Author Topic: Funny Spider-Man quotes.  (Read 41983 times)


  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 66
    • View Profile
Funny Spider-Man quotes.
« on: November 04, 2007, 05:19:55 AM »
Very choosy pickings but still enough for a mouthful of laughter.

tombstone: come down here and fight like a man.
sm: i dont suppose i could convince you to come up here and fight like a spider?

hydroman: you dont think you could beat hydroman, could you?
sm: did you just say hydrant man? the dogs must love you.

sm: it's not nice to rob banks in mister spiderman's neighborhood. can you say, "i'm going to jail"?

sm: dont tell me this is a meeting of the late night jewel lover's society?
thug: it's spiderman!
sm: REALLY?! SPIDERMAN?! where? oh i get so nervous around celebrities.

hobgoblin: enjoying the flight spiderman?
sm: some flight. no peanuts? no stallone movie?

lord tiger: maybe we should kill him. he has proven to be a fiece and cunning warrior.
sm: yeah! listen to tony! he's GRRRRRRRRR-EAT!

thug one: i think we should introduce ourselves.
thug two: and make him pay a toll.
thug three: and beat him down for kick.
sm: (over their shoulders) yeah, or we could leave him alone. (they turn around and stare at him) what? dont i get a say in this group? and i thought we lived in a democracy.

sm: you took my mask off?
beast: we had to make sure you were breathing
sm: but you took my mask off??? do you know how hard it is to keep a secret identity? all i wanted was to keep the world from knowing who i am but every time i turn around or pas out somebody SOMEWHERE finds out im peter parker
kitty pryde: um....actually we didnt know WHO you were.

KINGPIN: Who are you working for?
SPIDERMAN: You're right. You don't know me. You don't know why I'm doing this. And I promised myself that if I ever had a moment face to face with you again...that I would tell you. There are all kinds of things I wanted to tell you...and I was afraid I would forget to say them...and I really wanted to tell you these things, because they're really important me. goes...You are so fat...that when you cut yourself shaving...marshmallow fluff comes out.
KINGPIN: .....
SPIDERMAN: No? Ok, how about this one. You are so fat that your highschool yearbook photo was taken from a helicopter. Ooh, tough room. Ok, how're so fat that when you get on a scale, it says: One At a Time.
SPIDERMAN: Wait, how about this one...your belly button makes an echo. If you were a truck you would have a wide load sign. When you back up you can hear a beeping sound.

MR. HYDE (to Daredevil): How many nights have I spent in prison because of your damn crippled lies?
SPIDER-MAN: I give up -- how many?
MR. HYDE: ???
SPIDER MAN: Oh, I'm sorry... was that a rhetorical? -- Can you spell rhetorical?

Spidey (to X-23): My God! Wolverine, what have they done to you?

Spidey to Paul Patterson.
"Hang in there Paul. Iīll get you out of here so you can... Um, go to prison and stuff. You little psycho."
(Robert Kirkman is absolutely perfect at nailing Spider-mans humor!)


Figure: No! You interrupted me just as I was about to destroy the Human Torch!

Spider-man: Hey, don't get me wrong, we've all thought about it at some time, but why would you...

Figure: Why?! Because I am his greatest enemy! Peter Petruski, the one and only Paste-Pot Pete!

Spider-man: "Paste-Pot Pete"?

Paste Pot Pete: Yes! And I...

Spider-man: Wuh-wuh-wuh HA HA HA! HA HA HA!
Paste Pot Pee-hee hee HEE!

Paste Pot Pete: Hey...

Spider-man: heh heh heh *Hack-ACK* Oh! I think I just shot webs out of my nose!

Paste Pot Pete: Shut up! Before I...

Spider-man: Wait one second. Hoo boy. Ah. OK, All right, I'm ready now. Really...


No, I'm NOT!


Paste Pot Pee-hee-hee..Pee-heeHEENH

Paste Pot Pete: (Walking away) That's it. I'm changin' my name

Spider-man: HA HA HA..Ahhh! Man, I needed that.

The situation is like this:
All of the heroes are on Von Doom's spaceship, rescuing themselves from universe, which is about to explode, by making a jump to the "our" universe. And no one except Spider-man knows anything about the past, the earth, or the universe they return to. They entering the spaceship in pairs. Spider-man with She-hulk:
She-hulk - A coming disaster brought on by god-like beings, and an escape in a massive ark. Does any of this seem familiar to you, Spider-man?
Spidey - I guess you could say there's Noah accounting for taste, She-hulk.
She-hulk - Aw gawd. I wanna sit next to somebody else.
#They're starting#

Pilot: Engage six reduction systems.
Spider-Man: You mean we all have to go on Weight Watchers?
She-Hulk: Jeez, Spider-Man, do you ever shut up?
Spider-Man: You used to think I was funny back when we were lovers, She-Hulk.

A few panels later.
She-Hulk: That's another joke right. Tell me that's a joke.
Spider-Man: Sorry, too busy shutting up

KINGPIN: I do not know this Carson Daly.
SPIDEY: Well that's probably because he doesn't have a line of cream-filled cakes named after him, you fatty-fat man.

Kingpin: Well young man, I'll tell you what you see... you see the face of the man that will one day find out who you really are. And where you go to school. Because someone out there knows. And I will find out who they are... and who you are... and when I do... I'll personally come over to your house... and I will teach you exactly what I am.

sm: Dude..are you hitting on me?! Well, we should glare at each other menacingly more often. But I do have to leave... It seems that watching you eat makes me want to heave up my own feet.
KP: Young man, did you web my feet to the floor?
sm: Maybe.
KP: What possible satisfaction could you get from that?
sm: See? You don't understand me and I don't understand you.

sm: Oh come on, now, you're not gonna fall for the old 'command to attack' ploy, are you?
WW: I have often heard that you are a criminal, Spider-Man, and have considered hunting you down myself. I hesitated, but that is a mistake I shall rectify now!
(lobs big piece of machinery at Spider-Man, which he ducks)
sm: Hey! You gonna believe everything you read in the papers? Hasn't it ocurred to you that the real reason you hear only the bad stuff is because my biggest critics own major dailies and I don't? And they never print my letters to the editor!
WW: Your words have the ring of glib trechary! But my magic lasso has the power to compel the truth from anyone it ensares!
sm: Lady, there's no way I'm gonna let you hogtie me with some magic lasso that--what am I saying, I don't even believe in magic lassoes! But I'm still not gonna let you lasso me, not on the first date!
WW: Where are you? Show yourself, coward!
sm: Hey, I'm not hiding, sister, I'm just looking(suddenly the room is pitch-black) for the fusebox! Oops, I just turned off every light in the room. Clumsy me.
WW: Wha--!
sm: Now me, I'm right at home in the dark, because I've got my handy-dandy Spider-Sense. Patent pending. (slips behind her). Y'know, that glowing rope is a real handicap in a situation like this? Let me spell it out; I could be clobbering you right about now, but I'm not. I'm one of the good guys, get it?
WW: You may have a point. But it's your own fault that people get the wrong first impression about you. You're--well, scary. You have a pretty creepy routine.
sm: Yeah, people generally have this thing about spiders. Say, d'you think it's too soon in our relationship to think about marriage?

Kingpin: Spider-Man. Having you here is a real treat.
Spider-Man: If I were you i'd cut down on the treats.

sm: I haven't seen you this angry since the Colonel wouldn't tell you his recipe for his secret spices.

dococ: (to a prone Spider-Man) And who sent you? The NYPD? SHIELD? Or are you another of Osborn's flunkies?
sm: Actually, I'm with the haircut police. There's a $50 dollar fine on bowl cuts in this city.

sm: Thanos, right? I recognize you from your high-school yearbook picture.
THANOS: Silence, human. Your feeble attempts at humor have always annoyed me.

OX (Trying to crush sm): Dis is da day DA OX makes a name for hisself!
sm: What was wrong with the old one? Too hard to spell?

sm: Um..this may not be the best time to tell you, but..
Torch: But what?
sm: I don't have a license.
Torch: Great.
sm: And I'm wanted for murder.
Torch: Anything else?
sm: I think I'm pregnant.
Torch: Stop it!

to Kingpin and Ra's al Ghul:
sm: Did it ever occur to you that maybe...just maybe...if you’re nice to people, they might LET you rule the world?

sm(to kp): Did you have some henchmen for me to fight, or did you eat them already?

sm rushes a pregant woman to the hospital:
Woman: Wait! What's your real name? I want to name my son after you.
sm: Um..Poindexter.

PALADIN: I have the strength of three men!
SPIDEY: Which three-- Moe, Larry and Curly?

Human Torch: It's the Red Ghost and his super apes... and they're stealing your car!
Spider-Man: Worse... they're getting monkey fur on my upholstery!
(Spidey fires a webline at the speeding car and gets dragged against the street)
Spider-Man: Ow! (to super apes) Hey! Quit changing the stations on the radio! Those are preset! PRESET!

sm talking to himself...
sm: Good boy Lassie. Now, to--
sm: No. I have to say it. I've waited my whole life to say this.
sm: [outloud] You see inspector? I was right! THE BUTLER DID IT!
sm: I am SO nine years old.
sm: Nine-and-a-half come July.
sm: Stop that.
sm: Okay, now we get serious. We know he came in here...and we know he didn't come out...but we can feel him going down.
sm: We? Stop that.
sm: Roaches check in, but they don't check out.
sm: Peter...has it occured to you that your brain started getting a little funny right around the same time that you got dizzy?
sm: Of course, puberty had pretty much the same effect, but still--
sm: Peter, you should really stop talking to yourself in the third person. You're starting to creep me out.

Scorpion: I'm not aiming to lose you, big mouth! I'm just gonna smash you into the middle of next week!
Spiderman: Good! There's a T.V show on then that i've been dying to see!

Spider-man: That man youīre talking about wouldnīt be a blubbery behemoth by the name of Wilson Fisk, would it?
Thug leader: Spider-man?! Plug `im!
Spider-man: "Plug `im"? I can see that David Mamet doesnīt write your dialogue! I guess Fisk likes to surround himself with drooling idiots so he can feel superior. Iīm sure it relates to his weight problem. All the kids probably made fun of him back in grade school so he needs to compensate for his feelings of vestigial childhood anxiety and intense inferiority by... I canīt believe it! I spend all this time developing a sophisticated pyschological profile of the Kingpin and no oneīs even listening to me..?
*by now all the thugs are knocked out*

Guy 1: Look out, itīs spiderman
Guy 2: Shoot him he canīt YOOOMPH (expression of pain)
sm: Well maybe I canīt YOOOMPH, but I can certainly kick-box with the best of them

- Spider-Man, to Morlun, ASM #33-
Listen buddy. I've fought every kind of nutball on the planet. I've fought freaks, mutants, aliens and high-tech gangs. Heck, I've even fought my own costume. And you know what? You're the first one who's really ticked me off. You want me? Bring it on, chowderhead!

From the Ultimate Spiderman Game
Facing the Rhino
Hey ugly! Is that a horn or are you just happy to.... wow, I'm so scared I can't even finish my lame joke [Thrown]

Pummeled by the Green Goblin into the Floor
That's it. I've officialy run out of ways to say 'ow'.

Spectacular Spider-man 256
Peter with Bag on his head, as the Bombastic Bag-man fighting with thugs of The White Rabbit (during the Identity crisis).
PP (Bag-man):
Ho-ho-ho. The Bag-man laughs in the face of danger! Once I was a timid grocery store clerc, content to stuff other people's edibles into brown paper sacks. Then one day, a lightning bolt shattered a shipment of exotic shampoos spattering me with a once-in-a-lifetime mix of perfumes, herbs and non-toxic chemicals and I discovered that, in that auspicious accident, I had been -- transformed! Fate had granted me super powers! I could fly -- twelve feet above the ground! I have the strength of two-and-a-half-men! And I have the uncanny ability to see in the dark without a night light!
The white rabbit:

Guy - Holy spit! Spider-man! Where the heck did he com from?
sm - Well, one day a mommy spider and a daddy spider fell very much in love...

Zombies come out from subway station, then the myst fog, then mysterio comes out.
sm: Holographic zombies? Where'd you get the idea from... Scooby-Doo?

White Scorpion tried to rob a bank, Spidey kick him away.
Spidey: "Sorry Scorpion, you have exceeded your daily withdraw limit!"

Ghost Rider comes to the rescue
GR: whenever vengeance calls, Ghost Rider is ready!
sm: Riiight. Although technically, I don't know that this is so much of a...y'know...vengeance...nevermind
(In a meeting with Tony Stark, Cap America, Wolverine and Ghost Rider(
SM: look! Can we just get this over with? I have, you know, a life, believe it or not. I know scruffy here's got twenty teams of X-men end who knows what waiting on him to do whatever so...!
GR: Spiderman is correct. Vengeance must not be made to wait
sm: oh. That's just his....It's his thing...vengeance

(to what is left of Ultron)
sm:Hey, Ultron! To put this in terms you may have come across while living in the Internet... LOL! PWNED!

Nick Fury:Peter, optimism is a revolutionary act.
Peter:Who told you that? The guy who poked out your eye?
Nick Fury:Yes

From the Spider-Man 2 video game:
Mysterio: I am...Mysterio!
Spider-Man: Mysterio? I think I ate a bowl of Mysterio's for breakfast.

sm: O.K., We are partners, but that's only temporary. After be bust those tech thiefs it's payback time for kidnaping my wife!
Venom: Gee, we made one little mistake. We said we are sorry.
sm: Yeah whatever. Now the imposter was a shapeshifter, so it had to be Mysterio or the Cameleon.
Venom: Cameleon was our idea!
sm: Then tell me this smart guy. Who would like to steal Ock's technology>
Venom: We know, we know!
sm: Who?
Venom: The... Submariner?
sm:The Submariner? Get serious!
Venom: The might Thor?
sm: Are you out of your mind? ... Don't answer that.
Venom: Uh... Galactus!
sm: Forget it Eddie, we need Jamersons help on this one.
Venom: Jamerson. We hate Jamerson.
sm: We are not going to Jamerson you bonehead. We are going to use his computer databases.
Venom: Oh, are we gonna "surf the web"?
sm:Let's just go, ok?

Venom: Hey Spidey, wanna race?
Venom: Parker hates when I sneak up on him.
sm: I hate it when he sneak up on me!

sm: Hi, I'm Luke Skywalker and I'm here to save you. Sorry, I always wanted to say that.

sm: So does your 'gang' have a name yet? How about the Punching Bags?

sm: You know, I'll never forget the words of the last guy who threatened me: Not in the face, not in the face!

sm: You do know I'm Spider-Man, not Stand-Still-And-Get-Hit-Man, right?

sm: Spider sense tingling. I'm sensing...losers!

sm: Good news? You'll be on tomorrow's front page. Bad news? It'll be a picture of me beating the daylights out of you.

blck cat: Why'd you stop halfway through your punch?
Kraven: I would really have a problem with hitting a girl.
**Spidey swings in**
sm: That's funny Krave-Krave, I never seem to feel guilty after pounding your face in.


  • Guest
Funny Spider-Man quotes.
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2007, 03:04:59 PM »
After all that, I'm as happy as a fat spider. :D